About Me

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I am Steph! I am a 30-something mom and wife. I am Bi-Polar. I am an Autism mom. I work full time outside the home. I overcommit myself every single day. I sometimes wonder how my husband puts up with me on a day to day basis. I have 2 children, one neuro-typical and one not so neuro-typical. I am a hot mess. I am Steph.

Sunday, August 29, 2010


God is testing me.  He is testing my faith in him and my ability to ask him for help when I need it.  Leif is going on day 5 of his hospital stay.  I am going on day 5 of taking care of him while he is not able, taking care of Cady as much as I can in between hospital visits and TRYING to remember to take care of myself and the baby I'm about to give birth to in the meantime.  I am slowly learning that I can not be in multiple places at once no matter how much I want to be.  I want to be with Leif in the hospital.  I want to make sure he is ok and if he needs something I want to be the one to help him.  I want to make sure he is sleeping through the night and when he wakes up I don't want him to be alone.  I want to be next to him saying good morning and next to him saying good night.  But, I also have a beautiful almost 3 year old who needs me.....and quite frankly I need her too!  I want to do all the same things with her, say good night, say good morning, be there when she needs something and make sure she isn't feeling left out because Mommy is spending so much time away.  I have to admit, Cady has been SOOO great throughout all of this craziness and I have to thank my mom immensely!  If it weren't for her help I think I would have gone crazy by now!  Cady doesn't quite understand what is going on, but she knows that her daddy is sick and needs to get better before he can come home.  She doesn't understand why he is hooked up to all of the tubes and why he cant sit on the floor and play with her.  But she does understand that something is wrong......  The other day I was exhausted and a bit stressed and I just broke down.  The first time since all of this started....  I started crying and sobbing and just couldn't keep it in anymore.  My little girl came to me and with her sad eyes she asked "Mommy, are you sad at me??"  I lost it some more....then I realized that I needed to be strong for her.  I told her I wasn't sad at her, I just missed Daddy and wanted him to come home.  Then my big girl said, "Don't worry momma, Ill make you happy!"  You cant help but smile at that!  I have to remind myself that I need to be strong and that I need to just cry out for help.  I can't do this all by myself.  I can't handle it.  And that, is how God is testing me.  He is making sure that I know that I can ask him for help anytime and he will provide.  He is helping me to become a better wife to Leif.  He is helping me to become a better mommy to Cady and Nathan.  And he is helping me to become a better child of God.  And I am so thankful for everything and everyone that I have in my life!

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