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I am Steph! I am a 30-something mom and wife. I am Bi-Polar. I am an Autism mom. I work full time outside the home. I overcommit myself every single day. I sometimes wonder how my husband puts up with me on a day to day basis. I have 2 children, one neuro-typical and one not so neuro-typical. I am a hot mess. I am Steph.

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Tuesday, November 24, 2009

What is Grieving?

I have been fortunate enough in my life that I haven't really had to deal with death much.  I don't know how to deal with someone dieing, I despise going to funerals, I refuse to go up to the casket and see the lifeless body laying there.....I'm my heart I know that their souls are not there, so to me there is not reason for me to go look.  With the recent death of a very close church member I started to think, What exactly is grieving?  What is it?  How do you do it? When do you do it? Why do you do it? Do I do it without knowing?

I googled "Grief" and I came up with this definition:

From Healthline.com: Grief is a reaction to a major loss. It is most often an unhappy and painful emotion.

I also liked with that website had to say about how there are different stages of grief.

There can be five stages of grief. These reactions might not occur in a specific order, and can (at times) occur together. Not everyone experiences all of these emotions:
  • Denial, disbelief, numbness
  • Anger, blaming others
  • Bargaining (for instance "If I am cured of this cancer, I will never smoke again.")
  • Depressed mood, sadness, and crying
  • Acceptance, coming to terms

So, with all of this information I have been gathering, I'm still not sure how I am supposed to grieve.  Do I cry?  Do I get angry because she shouldn't have died?  Do I pretend to not let it bother me?  Do I accept it because I know that she is in Heaven right now watching us with Jesus and shes not suffering anymore?

I have never felt this way about a death before.  I can not stop thinking about her.  I cant stop thinking about her husband and how he is alone now.  I can not stop thinking about who will take over her duties in church.  And I cant stop thinking about how I should have called her more to see how she was doing or how I should have helped out more. I wish I would have gotten closer to her and got to know her better personally, rather than just at church.

For the time being I am just going to put on a brave face and pretend like its not bothering me until I figure things out.....Who knows, Maybe that is the way that I grieve.....

May you Rest in Peace Shirley.  You are living with God now and watching over David and the rest of us! And I Thank you for everything you have done!

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