About Me

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I am Steph! I am a 30-something mom and wife. I am Bi-Polar. I am an Autism mom. I work full time outside the home. I overcommit myself every single day. I sometimes wonder how my husband puts up with me on a day to day basis. I have 2 children, one neuro-typical and one not so neuro-typical. I am a hot mess. I am Steph.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

I'm hurting because Their hurting

I'm hurting tonight....but not for myself....I'm hurting for my sisters.  Two of my sisters are going through some relationship issues and it hurts me to see them broken and know that there isn't much I can do to make them better.  I just want them to be the same little sisters that I envision when I think of all my siblings.  I want them to both know that they are beautiful and talented and worth so much more in the world.  I want them to know that I am always there to lend an ear, listen, scream with them or just sit in silence with them even if I don't know much about what they are going through.  I also want them to know that I Love them with all my heart and I will always be there for them and that I just want them back. But something just still doesn't seem right with me...I'm not going to go into detail about what they are going through but I just need to let some things out.  

I feel like a failure as an older/the oldest sibling.  I feel like I haven't given them a good enough role model to follow.  I haven't given the best advice, I haven't always been there when they need something, and I have made mistakes that they have seen and I feel like I could have done better throughout the years.  There are so many things that I have said that I wish I never said, so many opinions I have put out there that I wish would have stayed in my head....

For those of you that follow my blog know that I am the oldest of 6 children.  There are 5 girls and 1 boy.  And let me tell you, I am a PROUD big sister!  I tried to make it to all of their sporting/school events.  I helped plan open houses and parties, etc.  I have the most beautiful and talented sisters and brother.  They are all doing great things in their life and getting older (Bonnie, please stop getting older!)  But there is still a feeling that I have let them down and I can't shake it.  I just started to feel this way I don't really know....I feel like when they make a mistake in their lives that some of it is because of me.  Because I didn't do a good enough job showing them a good path to take.  I don't know....I have so many things going through my head right now.  

....I should probably stop thinking and rambling and try to go to sleep....

I'll just end by saying I'm sorry if I haven't always been the greatest sister but I do truly love you and I will be there for any of you whenever you need it.

Until Next Time.... 

1 comment:

  1. You're a great big sister & friend! Everyone has to live and learn from their mistakes and you will be there with whatever they need if things crumble. Don't beat yourself up! <3