I'm exhausted today....physically and emotionally...I'm not sure if I ever remember crying as much as I did today, I just couldn't stop it. I couldn't control my breathing and calm myself down, it just wouldn't stop. Kinda wishing I was somewhere nice and tropical and quiet right now. Somewhere that I can just get away from it all for a bit. Its just overwhelming and I'm not sure that I can hold it all together much longer. I feel like I am working so hard to be a good role model and its just not working. People close to me just seem to not care about anyone else but themselves and they keep making one bad decision after another. What they don't realize is that it doesn't just affect them, it affects everyone around them and I'm tired of feeling like I'm the only one that is concerned about certain situations. I'm tired of being called the bitch because I speak my mind and try to guide them in the right direction. I'm tired of being tired. I just don't understand it anymore, sometimes I wish I wasn't the oldest sibling so I didn't feel pressured to be the responsible one. Why can't I do stupid things, be disrespectful and irresponsible and cause others pain? Why can't I be involved in illegal activities and just think that I am invincible and that nothing is going to happen to me because I'm smarter than everyone and think that I know everything?? Why can't I just forget about my responsibilities and have everything handed to me and not actually have to work for anything? Why? Because I know better. I have morals and beliefs and I'm entitled to my own opinion and you better believe that if you mess with them I will turn into the "Crazy Bitch" that you think that I am. I used to think that you just made some mistakes in life because you were young and that you would learn from them but now I know that you will never learn. You will never change. You will never care about anyone but yourself and you will never care about who you hurt along the way.
I can honestly say that I'm just done. I can't deal with it anymore. I can't let my own family suffer because of stupid people. But I also can't just sit back and watch all of this crap happen around me....What am I supposed to do!?! Just shut my mouth and forget about it? If something serious were to happen how will I be able to live with myself knowing that I knew what was going on but just shut my mouth? How can anyone be ok with that? How do people do it?
I guess what I just need to do tonight is go to bed and start new tomorrow....but you better believe that I will not forget about this and I will not stop fighting for what is right.
Until Next Time....